


the voice i hear inside my head

by murdershegoat



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Love, Love Confessions, Romance, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdershegoat/pseuds/murdershegoat
Summary: 'she isn’t expecting kara danvers, kara danvers whose smile is much too bright and friendly to work for a hardened journalist, whose blue eyes twinkle with a kindness lena has seldom been gifted by others, whose biceps are clearly visible through the cardigan she wears.lena doesn’t have a choice to make, and yet for some reason it screams at her.warmer.'based on the tumblr post 'wish there were some unseen omnipotent voice shouting “WARMER” or “COLDER” everytime i make a decision because i am pretty much flying blind here.'
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 27
Kudos: 570





	the voice i hear inside my head

**Author's Note:**

> so this is one of those tumblr bullet point fics so feel free not to read but i just like having all of my longer pieces on ao3.
> 
> but if you do decide to read, i hope you enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> it's based on a tumblr post that wouldnt stop attacking my brain

  * she’s had the voice in her head for as long as she can remember
    * well, it’s not exactly a voice, more just like a really strong, disembodied feelings that echoes loudly in her head and body. like, it’s not her gut feelings, it’s an outside force and it’s loud and sometimes scary.
    * so whatever she calls it a voice when she’s explaining it to others.


  * this voice, it guides her decision making. it’s not an exact science (yet) but if she thinks in her head ‘i’m gonna go get ice-cream’ the voice will either say WARMER or it’ll say COLDER
    * well, it won’t _say_ it because it’s not a voice. it’s more like this disembodied feeling feels like it’s saying WARMER or COLDER and she’ll physically feel it as well.
    * if she’s supposed to get ice cream, she’ll feel a sudden warmth
    * if she’s not supposed to get ice cream, she’ll feel a sudden chill


  * she doesn’t know why the voice makes the decisions it does, but she has to assume that it’s leading her towards something, towards success or whatever
    * at the very least, she has to believe that it’s trying to keep her alive. it’s a survival thing. whatever it is, it’s kept her alive for 26 years and counting.
  * and though it keeps her alive, it doesn’t always save her from pain. the voice tells her kissing veronica sinclair in the horse stables is a warm idea and veronica ended up breaking her heart and humiliated her in front of the whole school.
    * when she was four, the voice told her to trust lillian. and that’s led to a whole life of pain.  
  

  * anyway. the voice.   
  
  

  * andrea is the first person she tells about it.  
  

  * they’re hiking in the amazon during spring break. and, as happens sometimes in life, they come to a diverging path and have to choose. left or right. andrea looks at the compass. ‘it’s not working,’ she says. ‘how fucking convenient,’ lena replies. she sighs and steps to the left path.  
  

  * ‘we’re going left,’ she says emphatically as she feels a familiar warmth roll through her. ‘why?’ andrea asks. ‘i just have a feeling.’  
  

  * only andrea isn’t swayed by ‘just a feeling.’ she demands more and she refuses to go left until lena finally breaks down and explains the voice  
  

  * (not a voice.)  
  

  * ‘well what happens if we don’t listen to it??’ andrea asks after a barrage of questions, her analytical mind whirring a mile a minute. lena shrugs, ‘i dunno. i’ve never taken the risk of not listening.’  
  

  * they go left.  
  

  * they survive the amazon. the voice is always right.  
  

  * ‘you know,’ andrea says, her head resting against the plane window. ‘my nanny used to tell me stories.’ ‘isn’t that what all nannies do?’ ‘she would tell me stories about people having unexplainable powers or whatever, i don’t remember the details… but i remember her saying that the powers always lead people to the thing they need the most. and it could take months or it could take years but it’s a part of your soul, like, intrinsically in you.’
    * andrea’s xanax kicks in soon after that and she sleeps for the rest of the plane ride home
    * lena stays awake the whole flight, wondering what these choices are and what this voice is leading her towards.



* * *

  
  


  * the voice leads her through the end of high school and it leads her to MIT (fun fact: she’s never felt a firmer COLDER than she had when she held harvard’s acceptance letter in her hand.)  
  

  * it really helps her in college. sure, she still makes a lot of what she deems voice-sanctioned mistakes (sleeping with veronica sinclair is at the top of that list) but her grades are stellar and she’s on track for getting her second masters and she has a load of friends.  
  

  * and then her brother goes insane and tries to kill superman. the sky is red and lena stands in lex’s office overlooking downtown metropolis. ‘join me lena,’ he says. ‘help me and we’ll be unstoppable. we’ve always been a strong family but believe me, we’ll run this country together one day, i promise you that. all i need you to do is trust me.’ he holds out his hand  
  

  * for a second, she considers doing it. she doesn’t want to lose her family. _i am going to trust my brother.  
  
_
  * the voice says COLDER.  
  

  * lena listens to the voice. she always listens to the voice.  
  

  * it’s the first time the voice has made her lose something - someone - as important as lex. it’s the first time she thinks that maybe this voice thing doesn’t know what it’s doing because it’s never hurt her like this before. 



* * *

  * the fallout from lex’s breakdown feels cataclysmic. her friends stop speaking to her, her professors stop calling on her in class. she can’t even work at the library without being harassed.  
  

  * and to top it all off, she becomes the youngest female ceo of a fortune 500 company. which means board meetings and strategy sessions all while writing a thesis.   
  

  * but meeting jack spheer feels like finding a life raft in the middle of a ferocious ocean, keeping her afloat, letting her catch her breath. he’s cute and he’s funny and well-to-do, and he’s the type of person lena knows she should date and possibly marry.  
  

  * jack is the second person lena tells about the voice. she’s scared because she isn’t sure he’ll believe her, that he’ll drop her like the rest of her friends have.
    * but jack, bless his heart, just asks a hundred questions. ‘so even things like which sodas to drink?’ ‘the voice doesn’t let me drink soda.’ ‘whoa.’  
  

  * jack is the first person lena tells her other big secret. they’ve been out drinking and eventually they stumble back to jack’s place and she feels brazen enough to blurt it out while he makes her a grilled cheese sandwich. she doesn’t even have time to wait for the voice’s opinion; the truth just falls out of her, unable to stay contained any longer.  
  

  * ‘i’m gay,’ lena says. ‘and i understand if you don’t agree with that lifestyle, but i’m still the same person i’ve always been and i would like to remain friends with you.’  
  

  * ‘a person with terrible gaydar apparently,’ jack replies. ‘as the kids say, it takes one to know one. i would’ve told you sooner but… i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner.’ she surges forward and throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly. neither of them lets go.  
  

  * the grilled cheese burns.  
  

  * ‘should we just get chinese instead?’  
  

  * the voice says WARMER.



* * *

  
  


  * she’s scared of starting over in national city, but the voice in her head seems to think it’s a WARMER sort of idea.  
  

  * so she packs her bags and jack says goodbye to her at the airport and before she knows it, she’s looking down at NC from her pristine white office. the CVs of two assistants she’s interviewed. ‘i’m going to hire jess chin-salva as my PA,’ she murmurs to herself. ‘WARMER,’ says the voice.  
  

  * when jess tells her two reporters are at the door, the strapping frame of clark kent isn’t whom she is expecting. she also isn’t expecting kara danvers to follow close behind, kara danvers whose smile is much too bright and friendly to work for a hardened journalist, whose blue eyes twinkle with a kindness lena has seldom been gifted by others, whose biceps are _clearly_ visible through the cardigan she wears.  
  

  * lena doesn’t have a choice to make, and yet for some reason it screams at her. WARMER. WARMER.   
  

  * and then it says something new.



  * **WARMEST**



  * the feeling won’t leave lena’s body, and she struggles to focus on the interaction with the journalists, but she thinks she’s managed to tell them the truth. she’s just trying to rebuild her family’s business. she just wants to do good things and make the world a better place. but it’s hard to focus on any of that when her mind and her body feel like they’re on fire.  
  

  * it only dies down when kara leaves the room, and lena’s pretty sure that there’s something special about that woman.  
  

  * except maybe there’s just something about the blue eyed women of national city. because later that day lena’s helicopter is shot down and she finds herself being carried to safety by supergirl and the voice goes batshit crazy again.  
  

  * ‘focus on the fact you’re about to die,’ lena tries to tell it, but it doesn’t listen to her. so instead, she doesn’t look away from supergirl’s steady, reassuring gaze until she flies away. and she wonders why supergirl is a ‘WARMEST’.



* * *

  * ‘i heard you almost died,’ jack says when he calls her that night. ‘who cares about that?’ she responds, ‘the weirdest thing happened with the voice.’ she tells him of feeling ‘warmest’, of feeling it twice in one day with two different people, of how it refused to go away and occurred without any decisions to make.  
  

  * ‘ok i’m about to share a document with you,’ he says, and lena can hear him typing on his laptop. ‘there, open it.’  
  

  * it’s a spreadsheet. holy shit.  
  

  * ‘this is every big decision you’ve ever made,’ jack says. ‘there are also some medium sized decisions thrown in, but mostly just the big ones.’ ‘how the hell do you know all this?’ she asks, shocked. ‘why else do you think i’ve been asking you about all this for so long?’ he replies. ‘every time you tell me something the voice says, it’s gone into this spreadsheet. now, i only have limited knowledge of decisions you made before you met me, but i’ve been able to put in a lot of them based on your stories alone. i thought, what better way for you to try and understand this than to put it into words you understand best?’  
  

  * ‘you’re phenomenal,’ lena tells him. ‘i just… i never thought of this. i just assumed it was all some unknowable hippy dippy nonsense.’  
  

  * ‘i mean, it could definitely still be hippy dippy nonsense. but still take a look at it, see if there are any patterns or anything.’  
  

  * ‘i love you, jack.’ ‘too bad i’m gay, huh’



* * *

  
  


  * lena sees a lot more of kara and supergirl, though never at the same time. kombucha dates with kara and supergirl swooping in to save her life every now and again. the voice isn’t as overwhelming in their follow up visits, though a pleasant hum of warmth resides low in her being whenever either of them are around.   
  

  * maybe, lena thinks, it’s not the voice at all. maybe, she thinks, it’s about time she starts dating again.   
  

  * but none of the women she sees bring the same warmth that kara and supergirl do.  
  

  * the decision data that jack put together doesn’t seem to make much sense either. but she continues to add to it, bit by bit.  
  

  * and then something weird happens. 
    * ‘you’re getting more potstickers?’ lena laughs. ‘don’t you have any self control?’
    * ‘i’m only human, lena.’
    * ‘i suppose i should believe you.’
    * COLDER.  
  

  * COLDER? she’d never gotten a COLDER near kara before. and why? she shouldn’t believe that kara’s human? of course kara’s human! she’s just an awkward, sweet, kind girl from midvale. it’s not like she’s supergirl, for crying out loud!  
  

  * holy shit  
  

  * what the fuck  
  

  * kara’s supergirl?????  
  

  * kara’s supergirl. it totally makes sense. why hadn’t she seen it before??????? had she been willfully blind to it?



  * _she made a fool out of me , lena thinks. i should hate her. but the voice says COLDER. huh. so hating kara is off the table._



  * _maybe,_ she thinks, _maybe i knew and i didn’t want to admit it to myself. because clearly kara doesn’t want me to know. and i don’t want to push her into telling me because i don’t want to lose her. i can’t lose her. because i lo---_



* * *

  
  


  * ‘i’m so fucked,’ she tells jack over the phone later that night. ‘kara is supergirl and she doesn’t know that i know and i--’ ‘what is it?’ ‘i think i’m in love with her.’ ‘oh my god FINALLY,’ he yells into the phone. ‘i havent even met kara and i knew you were in love with her. you know she’s all you talk about right? like, you run one of the biggest companies in america and you have a disembodied voice that lives in your head and a million _other_ things going on in your life, and the only thing i’ve heard you talk about for months now is kara danvers.’  
  

  * ‘you did not know’  
  

  * ‘i really did. but im glad you know as well because i can finally present you with my biggest theory on The Voice.’  
  

  * ‘not a voice’  
  

  * ‘remind me what it was that andrea’s aunt or nanny or whoever thought it could be?’  
  

  * ‘that was a million years ago,’ lena says; she hasn’t thought about andrea in ages. she should give her a call. ‘i think it was something about… these types of abilities lead a person to thing they need most in the world.’  
  

  * ‘right. i’ve been doing a lot of new age reading and it hasn’t been pleasant at all and i sort of hated every moment of it, but i think i have some idea of what this could be. it’d explain everything.’  
  

  * ‘well then, what is it?’  
  

  * ‘i don’t think it’s the _thing_ you need most in the world,’ jack says. ‘i think it’s the _person_ you need most in this world.’  
  

  * ‘you mean like-’  
  

  * ‘a soulmate. think about it. somehow every decision that voice has gotten you to make has led you to standing in your office in national city where you met kara for the first time. and what did the voice say when you met kara, completely unprompted?  
  

  * ‘warmest,’ lena whispers.   
  

  * ‘exactly. warmest. as in, as warm as can be. because the whole time, the thing this voice has been leading you towards is kara danvers.’



* * *

  
  


  * lena’s plan for handling all of these revelations is drinking herself into a stupor. and it’s truly wonderful for the most part.  
  

  * that is, until she wakes up with a headache and someone pounding their fist on her front door.  
  

  * ‘wHAT,’ she yells as she throws open the door.  
  

  * ‘do you want to explain the voicemails you left me last night?’  
  

  * oh shit. lena’s hungover brain processes that it’s in fact kara standing at the door. she ushers kara in and shuts the door behind them.  
  

  * ‘to be honest with you,’ lena says as she puts on a pot of coffee, ‘i think i’m still a bit drunk and i definitely dont remember what those messages said.’  
  

  * you said you know i’m supergirl. you said you’re not angry at me for lying to you--’  
  

  * ‘oh that’s not so bad’  
  

  * ‘-- and you said you have proof we’re soulmates.’  
  

  * fuck.  
  

  * ‘do you want to explain yourself?’  
  

  * ‘can i drink my coffee first?’  
  

  * … kara watches her drink her coffee.  
  

  * ‘okay,’ lena says. i’ll explain but you can’t ask any questions til the end. deal?’ kara nods.  
  




* * *

  
  


  * the third person lena tells about the voice is kara danvers.  
  

  * ‘my whole life i’ve had this… this sort of voice in my head. and when i have a decision to make in front of me, it says WARMER or it says COLDER. it’s how i’ve made every choice since i was four years old, from the clothes i picked to the type of coffee i drink to the college i went to.’  
  

  * ‘like intuition.’  
  

  * ‘not intuition. fuck. i shouldnt tell you any of this.’  
  

  * COLDER.  
  

  * ‘well. guess i should tell you about this.’  
  

  * WARMER  
  

  * ‘it’s not intuition. it’s not a gut feeling. it’s not a part of me. it’s something bigger and otherworldly and it’s been leading me my whole life to something… i can only assume something much bigger and more important than i am. except i also think that the thing it’s been leading me to is you. and you don’t have to believe me at all, and god, you don’t have to believe in soulmates but… but far out, kara. i’m in love with you. i’m so in love with you it’s insane. and if you don’t feel the same way, i understand, but please don’t shut me out. i can live without you being in love with me, but i don’t think i can live without you in my life anymore.’
  * they stand in silence, lena’s plea still hanging in the air between them.  
  

  * ‘on krypton,’ kara says softly. ‘there’s only one way to know if somebody’s your soulmate or not.’  
  

  * ‘how do they do it?’ lena asks, imagining a blood test or a swab or something.  
  

  * instead kara takes a step closer to her and she puts her hands on lena’s hips and she presses their foreheads together and she says ‘do you feel it?’  
  

  * ‘what--’  
  

  * but she feels it. a sort of calm washing over them both. the air stills and lena swears she can hear kara’s heart beating and she feels serenity like she’s never felt it before.  
  

  * ‘wow,’ kara says, and before she can stop herself, lena kisses her softly, barely. but it’s still a kiss.  
  

  * and she can’t really describe it, but she feels the voice leave her.   
  

  * ‘i want to kiss you again,’ lena says. but there’s no voice that says warmer or colder. all there is is kara danvers, nodding her head and saying ‘then kiss me.’



* * *

  * lena has many thoughts about soulmates. she thinks if the universe gives you some sort of magical powers, it should also give you an instruction manual for them. she thinks her soulmate is the most perfect soulmate that’s ever been created ever. but this is the real kicker: lena knows that the voice may have led her to kara, but she’s the one who has to make sure she stays there. they have to put in the work together. love isn’t just a magical feeling, it’s building trust and learning to be selfless and letting someone into your life in a multitude of intimate ways. and now that kara’s in her life, in all of her wonderful glory, there’s no way lena will ever let her go.



  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> anyway this probably easier to read on tumblr im sorry :(


End file.
